instant vintage : 10.2009 : Confession 001: Another Shade of Green (Confessions)
Today, while catching up with the blogs I silently follow in my reader, I saw a post about how a blogger was affected by the worst shade of green; the silent, self-destructing envy she felt toward others. After reading it, I went to comment on the actual blog and saw that the post had been deleted. I can imagine why the author would second-guess publishing her innermost thoughts on this issue. Hell, I’m debating whether or not to post this myself. What’s motivating me to keep it up right now is that it’s the long version of what would have been my comment.
While I was reading the entry, I went from not being able to really relate to seeing a clear image of myself within it. I realized that I, too, suffer from looking at several areas of my life with green-colored glasses on.
Luckily, I escaped the plague of having issues with my body. While growing up, I knew I was going to be bottom-heavy, that my Chinese great-grandfather was responsible for my short legs, and that my grandfather was responsible for my freakishly small hands. All things I could deal with (the first I welcomed with open arms – LOL). I’ve worn my hair nearly every way possible, so I managed to miss the feeling that I had to wear my hair straight. Or nappy. Or long. Or short. I’ve done it all. I’m ok with the fact that Victoria’s Secret (along with most other stores) aren’t too keen on carrying my bra size. Whatevs. The boobs and I get along just fine. I’m happy with the way I look for the most part. The hyperpigmentation I can TOTALLY live without, but overall – since there wasn’t much pressure related to appearance when I was coming of age – I’m content.
The pressure came from the high priority that was placed on education. I came from a house where going to college was an assumption, not a possibility. I was dubbed “the golden child,” destined to carry the torch for my family. I was to set the standards for my class. I often did. I was a voracious reader. I was great at math. I bounced from school to school because (per my parents) I wasn’t feeling challenged. I actually remember mentally correcting my 2nd grade teacher when she kept mispronouncing “colonel” while reading a book to the class. Precedent set. I managed to graduate from high school at 16 and college at 20. With a proven track record of scholastic achievement, EVERYONE expected me to do great things. Like, Connie Rice and Donna Brazile types of great things.
Umm, yeah…I’m not doing anything close to that. Sorry I let all of you down?
It’s hard not to feel like I’ve fallen short. I’m surrounded by people who have accomplished some amazing things. I look at them in absolute awe. Sometimes that awe sows those tiny green seeds that grow into unsavory thoughts.
On the surface, it’s easy for me to think, “I’m so glad I don’t have to compare myself to (hot chick of the day),” but the truth is, I compare myself to people all the time. Instead of wishing I looked differently, I wonder why I work where I work instead of working for myself/starting a mini-empire like this one. I lament not owning my own place like several of my friends do. I’m irate at the fact that I’ve never moved out of the city on a whim and tested the waters overseas like this other one. I hate not being as successful as those people over there. As I read further on the now deleted post, I realized that a lot of me is colored the worst shade of green. Even more tragic is the self-condemnation that comes as a result. I get angry. I get depressed. I feel like my life is going nowhere. I get jaded about my future. The negativity intensifies when I feel like doing all of these things is within my power, but I can’t shouldn’t do them because I have dudeguy, bills, and furry children (read: my army of cats) to think about. Ahh, the double edged sword of responsibility…how I loathe you.
Thank goodness there is a host of therapeutic music that I can listen to. Bilal’s Sometimes is one of my go-to tracks when I get in a mood.
*sigh*
I’ve got a long road to walk until I’ll be able to say I’m truly happy with me; with who I am, where I am, and what I have.
Ugh…I hate walking…
26 Responses to “Confession 001: Another Shade of Green”
I think what’s most important to remember is that those you hold high on the pedestal of success may also look at you with green-tinted stares. Measures of success are most certainly always intrinsic. While we may meet what academia, society, family and friends might deem as the criteria for success, we always stop to ask ourselves what more we can do because what we are doing doesn’t feel like enough. I look at my life, and have a lot more lately, and feel like a complete failure most of the time. But I’ve learned that success can’t be counted in the number of boxes we have checked off on our life’s list of acheivements and milestones. How happy are we, really, when we think about all that we’ve done? What does any of it matter if we don’t feel fulfilled? And while I’m only 21, I’ve decided that at least for the time being, I have to live life chasing after the things that make me happy. Doing the things that make me happy, make me feel fulfilled. And I, personally, have to stop counting successes in salary, titles, contacts, etc. I have to count them in the number of moments I’ve really felt fulfilled.
Totally sorry for the introspective rant! But just wanted you to know you’re not alone on the journey
I’m reading a book on Developmental Psychology – mostly bc I wanna know why I feel so fucked up right now – and the part about “the adult transition” touches on a lot of what you’ve said and feel, and me too. Not that we should chalk it all up to tricks in our psyche, but it’s kind of good to know that eventually we all find our purpose.
Infinite x’s and o’s
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“I hate not being as successful as those people over there. As I read further on the now deleted post, I realized that a lot of me is colored the worst shade of green. Even more tragic is the self-condemnation that comes as a result. I get angry. I get depressed. I feel like my life is going nowhere. I get jaded about my future. The negativity intensifies when I feel like doing all of these things is within my power, but I can’t shouldn’t do them because I have dudeguy, bills, and furry children (read: my army of cats) to think about. Ahh, the double edged sword of responsibility…how I loathe you.”
Oh hon, I get you SO.MUCH. I think I put that pressure on myself when I was younger, as a result of being in gifted & talented, pushed through to AP classes. I thought I had to go to college (and I love school, don’t get me wrong). I’ve been in grad school, and I work now as an “Administrative Assistant” and I’m ladled with debt, and I don’t feel I can do what I want because of bills, debt, the town I’m in, having a small fur baby…. and it stinks to feel that I’m 26 and not successful, and why?
I get you hon. You’re not alone, for what it’s worth….
Ashe Mischief´s last blog ..OhMiBod Review: Freestyle Wireless Vibes
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I know how you feel. My shade of green tends to be much less focused on “I wish I looked like that” and more on “She’s so driven/ambitious/successful”. I was set up to be a big OA (in gifted classes, scored crazy high on standardized tests, started reading early and was reading at a college level by third or fourth grade, you know the drill) and disappointed everyone by deciding I didn’t want to impress the teachers in high school & that I didn’t like college. I think the choices I made were right for me in the long run (and even the short run; things have been kind of crappy for us lately but I think 2010 will be a fabulous year), in the meantime, however, sometimes I feel like a total letdown to my family.
Michelle´s last blog ..Have you got swagger?
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wow, whomever this blogger is, please let her know that she has sparked a chain reaction with her boldness of truth. I to am ready to write my own post about how green my glasses can get.
…I wish I saw the exit sign first…sometiiimmmmmes….
wish I knew the truth without search\ I wish I could go where I never been\ See what I never saw, do what I never did\ Or walk before I could crawl
Thank you for your truth Alicia…it’s beautiful. Funny thing, I was listening to Vh1 this morning while getting ready for work and Trey Songs and Drake track spoke volumes to me metaphorically.
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It’s crazy what makes different people put their “green glasses” on. When I got your talonalia chain in the mail a few weeks ago I was excited, but (I can admit this because you know I lurrrrve you) I was also a tad bit green. You seem to be able to realize your creative vision with so much ease, while I stare at this damn computer screen for hours just trying to get my characters out of the car and into an argument in a story. I saw the necklace and thought, “see, it’s clear Licier has God-given talent, why is it not so obvious with me??” I probably would be even more envious of you (your awesome blog, your hilarious writing style, even all those effing twitter followers, lol!), but since we’re friends I’m mostly satisfied just being proud of you.
Right now I’m in a grad program that is notorious for being extremely competitive. Every time I read someone else’s awesome story I feel a little envious. People here already have agents, published novels and impressive awards under their belts. But then I remember that I am young (so are you), and while another person’s story is great, it isn’t my story, nor the one I would tell. The only real solace I can take in those moments is that the stories I have to tell are not like anyone else’s. I just need to learn how to tell them better, lol.
In short, I think God/the cosmos/your genes/your experiences put you on a certain path for a reason. It’s good to asses where you are, but never forget that at the end of the day overall happiness will always trump “things” and accomplishments.
<3 you!!
Angela´s last blog ..Lil Wayne > Jay-Z?
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“I’ve got a long road to walk until I’ll be able to say I’m truly happy with me; with who I am, where I am, and what I have.”
I’m happy with who I am. completely. Where I am. We’ll see where I go. What I have, well. I’m happy I’ve completed the biggest piece of my puzzle
bananaclipse´s last blog ..C.B. News – Soul Searching LP (Free Album)
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*hugs* + love from new york <3
charles´s last blog ..My First Day After 21 Years–Today’s Outfit
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Wonderful post. Absolutely wonder. Very heartfelt, sincere and genuine vulnerability. I would only add that our internal shade of green only changes with age. In our youth it may be the way we look and in our middle age it may be the house we live in or the spouse we did or did not marry. But the shade is there for all of us.
My late grandfather told me long ago that “life” is what happens when things don’t work out the way we originally planned. THAT is when you’re living. Embrace these vicissitude, frailties and find your comfort zone within them. I found mine in writing and I suspect you have too. The word has been the great equalizer for every woman who turned me down, job I didn’t get or house I was unable to afford. Writing provides contentment…something nothing of the aforementioned could ever do.
Mr. Mo’Kelly´s last blog ..Criminal Girls with 20 Pearls – Babs Goes to ‘Math Camp’ (Video)
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great post…I never thought to view my world in terms of ‘green glasses,’ but living in NYC I almost feel as if we’re born with them…almost tattoed onto our faces as a necessary precaution. I’ve been fighting it…all throughout my childhood…highschool & even college. They’re hard to remove…everything & everyone appears blurry if you do, no one understands you for wanting and needing to be different. At the end of the day though, a hint of green is never as bad, if only to use it to fuel our own source of inspiration. For me I use it as an honest reflection of what I need to work on. When I read your blog I see/read a person’s honest reflection on their everyday life that involves a multitude of things both positive/negative.
If you can say your life/choices has meaning…beyond even our own expectations, than it’s all good in my book;-)
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I heart you.
I could say many things, but I won’t.
latrina ´s last blog ..and this is why we can’t rise as a people
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i know what you are saying & i think we all feel this way about certain things at some point, and i think that if you really looked, you would find that you are quite happy… i mean you are amazingly talented and crazy smart, beautiful which is a given & i always though your body was killer ( you look to me like you work out) as for seeing the world and trying loads of other new things… this is just the start… i see you going places for sure… i mean you are alicia of instant vintage… how could you not?!
michelle´s last blog ..is that a smile i see…
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I love that you wrote this.
I think its normal for us to look at the next person as a litmus test of where we are or should be. I had a whole dissertation but I’ll spare you. I luv ya long time, sugah!
Felicia´s last blog ..Turntable Thursdays!
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Wow. Just wow. I’m right there with you. (And so are many, many people, apparently!) I’ve been feeling the same way. I was super ambitious in school—finished high school at 17, college at 20, grad school at 22, lots of honors programs and Dean’s List, urm, listings, blah blah blah—and right now I don’t feel nearly as accomplished as I should be.
On the one hand I find great comfort from knowing I’m pursuing what I truly love to do rather than what I originally went to undergrad for. On the other hand, I look at what the people I went to school with are doing now and I feel like I come up short. I also feel most, if not all, of my friends are much, much prettier than I am and while I know ultimately it’s what’s inside that counts…the insecurities still manage to bubble to the surface.
I’m told by people older and wiser than I that this is a common, normal thing to go through and that you ultimately come out the other side all the better for it. You’ll be fine. You’re doing fine now. Thank you for writing this.
Danielle´s last blog ..Nikita Gale
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I’m so there right now. I’d like to say that I don’t compare myself with everyone else, but the truth is I compare myself to almost everyone I encounter, and it hurts when I think about my lack of acomplishments compared to just about everyone else I know. With that said, I can’t work on myself if I’m too busy looking at everyone else.
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Hun, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t really get better. I’m 42 and just now starting to do my own thing and I am always riddled with doubts about this path I’m taking. You have to learn to live with this feeling and learn to trust in yourself. Good luck on your journey.
Lenya Jones´s last blog ..Feeling the Wang
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Oh, man. I’m gonna come back to this one when I have more time to respond.
Gem´s last blog ..HEY GUYYYYSSSSS
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seems we are in the same place. i’ve been agonizing this same issue for months (okay years) now. today i simply went to see the doctor and it was like having someone kick start my motivation. i’m not sure if i’m going to do all the things i had initially set out to do, but it was almost like my entire life hand gone on pause because of a hiccup in my 5 and 10 and 15 year plans. *i DON’T like change*. i graduated early, later than i had anticipated because my parents refused to let me go to college at that age, but at 20, i had a job offer, money in the bank, was looking to buy an apartment.
things took a southbound turn, but i am now trying to regain that vision i had as a child, the overwhelming NEED to GET UP/DO/MOVE/LIFE/FEEL. and i remember being so ecstatically happy when i realized that other people too had green glasses. misery always loves company, i suppose. my major concern now is doing something simply to cure my own insecurity and have people look up to me and say ‘wow’. i’d rather be happy, satisfied, content in my career path vs. apathetic and wealthy. none of my friends have these motivations and concerns, it seems, so having someone(s) that i can look to and see a kindred spirit (something i’ve never had) is the most awesome form of comfort ever. thanks for sharing, as always.
confession 2: i think i have a love/hate relationship with beyonce for this VERY f’ing reason…shhh. don’t tell my boyfriend.
pennerad´s last blog ..a boot for every occasion
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If it’s any consolation, I think it’s human nature to feel that way. I’d wager that anyone who says they’ve never envied someone for SOMETHING is lying.
WendyB´s last blog ..Reminder: Sample Sale Friday and Saturday
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hello again alicia!!
just wanted to let you know that i have given you to awards on my blog!!!
http://cookiesandcremevintage.blogspot.com/2009/10/so-honored.html
michelle´s last blog ..so honored…
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“It’s hard not to feel like I’ve fallen short.”
This and everything that follows has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind for at least a year. It’s difficult when you come out of the gate so strong (reading early, in gifted programs, etc.) and feel like you’re losing momentum. Where did I go wrong? Where did I get stuck?
I don’t profess to have any answers, but I wonder if it’s okay for us to give ourselves permission NOT to live up to everyone’s arbitrary expectations, even our own. If it helps, I will say that your intelligence and thoughtfulness come through in everything I’ve ever seen you do, including this blog post
BTW, I tend to put Robin Thicke’s “To the Sky” on repeat when I’m feeling this way…
~Tamia
TheStyleSample.com
Tamia´s last blog ..Dig if you will these pictures
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I see so much of myself in this post too! Jealousy gets the best of me when I look at people who are my age or younger and are living in the city, have careers, even have families of their own. I just feel so unaccomplished. It’s comforting, but also sad, to know that there are others that feel the same way.
Ashley´s last blog ..My first blog-iversary!!
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I so get you!!! I felt the same way after I finished college—always feeling like everyone was doing so much better than me. I also did well in school and took accelerated classes just knowing I’d have some super fancy high-paying job. Then got super depressed when it didn’t happen. I think we all go through how you’re feeling in this post in our 20s and it does happen to get better, but we first have to learn how to not be so consumed in what others are doing (because more than likely they’re lives aren’t as glamorous as they appear or they secretly envy YOU).
The Style and Beauty Doctor´s last blog ..The Week in Beauty and Style
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I do get where you’re coming from, and it’s very interesting that that sertain blogger deleted the post. Doesn’t everyboday have those green tinted glasses to some extent? It’s all relative I suppose. But whether it’s over something silly like “I wish I had enough money to get the boots this person is wearing.”, or “I wish I could just finish my degree and jet off to a new location and start all over again, like this person did”. I think one could take these thoughts and turn them into something positive, as a way of motivation to do what you really want to do (even if it’s not that easy to accomplish). It does set a small challenge. But don’t worry love, what you feel is very normal.
xx-LJ from SOS!
SOS!´s last blog ..My burrffday..
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So I wrote you a little comment through my phone, but I see now it didn’t go through – lame – I’ll rewrite it when I’m not too lazy to grab my phone where I saved it.
Also! Dude, best tumblr ever! Also unvrse.tumblr.com. Amazing.
Kristine´s last blog ..1024
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Alicia– this gave me chills– I can relate to what you’re feeling. And despite my valedictorian accomplishments when I was younger, I feel like I’ve bee floating through the latter half of my life… just waiting for what I Don’t know what to begin… Listen, everyone has their own path and the grass is definitely greener on the other side. Right now I’m traveling through Thailand and I’m feeling oh so humbled by the simpler lives people lead out here. I’ve been feeling well… inferior living in the Big Apple and all… but travel gives me perspective. And I realize that there’s always someone looking at your life and thinking how charmed it all is… So yeah. This is all a long-winded way of saying that it’s all relative.
xx D
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I think you’ll find that’s true of pretty much everyone. I was the last of my friends to move abroad to study, and, honestly, while it broadened my horizons, etc, I also learned never to feel envious of those fabulous friends who moved from country to country at the drop of a hat to pursue this or that. Because, when one of them was ill in her miserable little accommodations hall room, I was the only one she had to bring her soup and food – none of her other recent acquaintances cared. And when you move so often, that’s pretty much what you get – crappy rooms and acquaintances.
That was just one example. Being successful and having an empire can suck because it owns you, makes you stressed, makes you paranoid (I’ll give you an example by DM if you’d like). While I think we should always strive to do better, be better, we should always remember we’re hardly alone with our green coloured glasses, and sometimes a chill pill is a good pill
Vanda´s last blog ..We called him Fon
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