Ok, I’m being a horrible blogger in the consistency category. Mitigating circumstances, I assure you. See, the place that I work is a bit…enthused…about Halloween. Umm yeah. I have about 150 pictures to go through so I can properly post about what was taking all my damn time/energy/attention/life force. I won’t mention the party at my own house that I’m prepping for now. So…much…labor…
Here is a picture that I didn’t post from earlier this week.
thrifted mixed with some F21, some handmade, and those ridiculous shoes that I seem to never take off.
And to the lovelies that asked, I got the metal bra here and my collage was done in Photoshop.
Yeah, I’ve been MAJORLY sucking at getting back to comments and blog hopping, too. This should be back to normal next week….hopefully…maybe?
**just an FYI, this section is where I’m throwing my latest acquisitions, coveted items, and maybe (just maybe) some designer features…work in progress. Just saying. **
Today, while catching up with the blogs that I silently follow in my Google Reader, I saw a post that was later deleted by the author. The subject matter was a very personal one, and I can imagine why the author would second-guess publishing her innermost thoughts.
She wrote of the worst shade of green affecting her; the silent, self-destructing envy she felt toward others. While I read through this post, I realized that very shade of green colors a few areas of my own life.
Thankfully, I escaped the plague of having issues with my body. While growing up, I knew (andwas pleased) that I was going to be bottom-heavy, my Chinese great-grandfather was responsible for my short legs, andmy grandfather was responsible for my freakishly small hands. All things I could deal with. I’ve worn my hair nearly every way past Tuesday, so I managed to miss the feeling that I had to wear my hair straight. Or nappy. Or long. Or short. I’ve done it all. I’mokwith the fact that Victoria’s Secret (along with most other stores) aren’t too keen on carrying my bra size. Whatevs. The boobs andI get along just fine. I’m happy with the way I look…for the most part. ThehyperpigmentationI can TOTALLY live without.
As a child, high priority was placed on education. I came from a house where going to college was an assumption, not a possibility. I was dubbed “the golden child,” destined to carry the torch for my family. I bounced from school to school because (per my parents) they weren’t challenging enough. I managed to graduate high school at 16, andsubsequently college at 20. With a proventrachrecord of scholastic achievement, EVERYONE expected me to do great things. Like, Connie Rice, andDonnaBraziletypes of great things.
Umm, yeah…sorry I let all of you down?
It’s hard not to feel that way. I’m surrounded by people who have accomplished some amazing things. I look at them in absolute awe sometimes.
On the surface, it’s easy for me to think, “gah, I’m so glad I don’t have to compare myself to _____,” but the truth is, I do it all the time. I constantly compare myself to other people in ways that surpass the exterior. I wonder why I work where I work instead of working for myself like this one. I lament not owning my own place like several of my friends do. I’m irate at the fact that I’ve never moved out of the city on a whim like that one. I hate not being as successful as those people over there. As I read further on the now deleted post, I realized that a lot of me is colored the worst shade of green. Even more tragic is the self-condemnation that comes as a result. I get angry. I get depressed. I feel like my life is going nowhere. It gets even worse when I feel like all of these things are within my power, but I can’t do them because I havedudeguy, bills, andfurry children (read: my army of cats) to think about. As a result, I become more jaded about my future.
Very.bad.stuff.
I’ve got a long road to walk until I’ll be able to say I’m truly happy with me; with who I am, where I am, and what I have.
Ugh…I hate walking…
Today, while catching up with the blogs I silently follow in my reader, I saw a post about how a blogger was affected by the worst shade of green; the silent, self-destructing envy she felt toward others. After reading it, I went to comment on the actual blog and saw that the post had been deleted. I can imagine why the author would second-guess publishing her innermost thoughts on this issue. Hell, I’m debating whether or not to post this myself. What’s motivating me to keep it up right now is that it’s the long version of what would have been my comment.
While I was reading the entry, I went from not being able to really relate to seeing a clear image of myself within it. I realized that I, too, suffer from looking at several areas of my life with green-colored glasses on.
Luckily, I escaped the plague of having issues with my body. While growing up, I knew I was going to be bottom-heavy, that my Chinese great-grandfather was responsible for my short legs, and that my grandfather was responsible for my freakishly small hands. All things I could deal with (the first I welcomed with open arms – LOL). I’ve worn my hair nearly every way possible, so I managed to miss the feeling that I had to wear my hair straight. Or nappy. Or long. Or short. I’ve done it all. I’m ok with the fact that Victoria’s Secret (along with most other stores) aren’t too keen on carrying my bra size. Whatevs. The boobs and I get along just fine. I’m happy with the way I look for the most part. The hyperpigmentation I can TOTALLY live without, but overall – since there wasn’t much pressure related to appearance when I was coming of age – I’m content.
The pressure came from the high priority that was placed on education. I came from a house where going to college was an assumption, not a possibility. I was dubbed “the golden child,” destined to carry the torch for my family. I was to set the standards for my class. I often did. I was a voracious reader. I was great at math. I bounced from school to school because (per my parents) I wasn’t feeling challenged. I actually remember mentally correcting my 2nd grade teacher when she kept mispronouncing “colonel” while reading a book to the class. Precedent set. I managed to graduate from high school at 16 and college at 20. With a proven track record of scholastic achievement, EVERYONE expected me to do great things. Like, Connie Rice and Donna Brazile types of great things.
Umm, yeah…I’m not doing anything close to that. Sorry I let all of you down?
It’s hard not to feel like I’ve fallen short. I’m surrounded by people who have accomplished some amazing things. I look at them in absolute awe. Sometimes that awe sows those tiny green seeds that grow into unsavory thoughts.
On the surface, it’s easy for me to think, “I’m so glad I don’t have to compare myself to (hot chick of the day),” but the truth is, I compare myself to people all the time. Instead of wishing I looked differently, I wonder why I work where I work instead of working for myself/starting a mini-empire like this one. I lament not owning my own place like several of my friends do. I’m irate at the fact that I’ve never moved out of the city on a whim and tested the waters overseas like this other one. I hate not being as successful as those people over there. As I read further on the now deleted post, I realized that a lot of me is colored the worst shade of green. Even more tragic is the self-condemnation that comes as a result. I get angry. I get depressed. I feel like my life is going nowhere. I get jaded about my future. The negativity intensifies when I feel like doing all of these things is within my power, but I can’t shouldn’t do them because I have dudeguy, bills, and furry children (read: my army of cats) to think about. Ahh, the double edged sword of responsibility…how I loathe you.
Thank goodness there is a host of therapeutic music that I can listen to. Bilal’s Sometimes is one of my go-to tracks when I get in a mood.
*sigh*
I’ve got a long road to walk until I’ll be able to say I’m truly happy with me; with who I am, where I am, and what I have.
**just an FYI, this section is where I’m throwing my latest acquisitions, coveted items, and maybe (just maybe) some designer features…work in progress. Just saying. **
